Falling Apart with Hepatitis C

Falling Apart with Hepatitis C

Have you ever had a perfectly fine day turn into a hot mess? It happened to me recently. I made it through, and even learned a few lessons. Mostly, I survived. It started when I met with the mechanic for an engine check. We had been feeling it downshift occasionally. I was fine right up until the checker inner guy asked me what was wrong. All of a sudden, I slumped down and tears sprang to my eyes. The room went blurry. My purse felt like it weighed 90 pounds. After leaning on the counter, I tried to tell him my story. Looking back, I was falling apart with the long term side effects from Hepatitis C.

Who Knows About the Treatment and Side Effects?

Maybe it was just the old effects of cirrhosis and hepatic encephalopathy.

Maybe it was because my body still has side effects from long term, old school Ribavirin and Interferon. The newer drugs are safer and provide a cure from Hep C way quicker.

Maybe it was because I remembered needing new tires right after my diagnosis AND after losing my health insurance but before social security disability.

Maybe it’s because there were times in the past where I felt alone while making important health decisions.

Maybe it was because I can act really brave and strong, when inside, I really need a shoulder to lean on.

Maybe it was a combination of all the above.

That day, instead of telling the mechanic that my car was shifting down into lower gears … I began to cry. I started blubbering about how I was driving to the cancer hospital in 3 days for my 3 year check. I needed a safe car and was unsure what was wrong with mine.  My hands got shaky and my palms were clammy and sweaty. I kept trying to tie in my story to what was going on at the moment. Bottom line: I needed to pull it together.

Stop and Breathe

Sometimes it helps to think about what is going on right now. This was NOT a good time to think about my donor family and their 3 year anniversary. There is a time to pray for them, and a time to be in the moment. It was NOT a good time to pull up the whole story of my Hep C bleeding varices, treatment, and liver cancer. It was NOT a time to think about my fear of MRIs damaging my kidney or a liver loving diet.

Jesus Take the Wheel 

I needed to see what was wrong with my car.

I had 2 hours to do it in.

Why couldn’t I just spit it out?

After finally getting settled in the waiting room, I got on my phone and went to facebook…. “liking” my friend’s stuff, looking at their pics, seeing how they are beating Hep C, dealing with symptoms, talking about the side effects, brain fog, learning about other stuff related to liver disease, trying to find answers that the doctor can’t even give them.

We’re alike when we fall apart – anxious, griping, whining, distressed, angry, and scared.

I realized that the internet is where the rest of the world feels like I do. My friends there live with the same problems that I live with.

I walked outside, and with the wind in my face, I started to voice text a post a fb. Instead, I started talking right into the phone via fb Live. Then, feeling a bit more settled, I went back inside and started writing this blog.

I’ve been free of Hepatitis C for almost 6 years. May 6 is the anniversary of my big ‘ole bleed that ended my 43 weeks of treatment. I’m still SVR. Will I always fall apart? Maybe… haha. From time to time, it’s all just TOO TOO much.

My car needed the transmission fluid changed. It’s 5 years old with 25,000 miles. All that working myself up was for nothing.

By stopping and taking deep breaths with my yoga group, I found peace. Saying a prayer and letting Jesus take the Wheel always works for me. If you missed my melt down, it’s still there at ihelpc Karen on fb. I LOVE the way our fb friends respond to each other in a crisis. I felt the support and hope YOU all feel mine through the internet when you’re falling apart with Hepatitis C or liver disease. LYLAS xo Karen