Dreaming of a Future without Heroin, Hepatitis C and with Hope

Dreaming of a Future without Heroin, Hepatitis C and with Hope is another piece by Jennifer, a former heroin addict and activist for recovery. Her life has been transformed right before my eyes. Her achingly honest words are spoken with candor. Her tenacity is an inspiration to never give in to despair. Dream on Jen. You’re doing it!

The changes in my life are seriously beginning to sink in this morning. It’s like a dream + reality colliding. Maybe it’s a moment of clarity shining through between the brain fog and mental illnesses.

Dreams 

A dream is a wish your heart makes. Walt Disney

Dream is a wish Jen
Hold on Tight to your dreams.

Like everyone else, my heart was filled with dreams. I am 28 years old, and definitely not who or what I thought I’d be as a child.

Reality

Today I own next to nothing. Just 2 years ago, I literally had nothing. I was homeless, addicted, sick, and literally traveling across the country with nothing but the clothes on my back.

I’m now employed part time making minimum wage instead of working back in health care or pursuing my dream of forensics.

I have 4 beautiful children which I do not have custody of. I live with my youngest daughter and her father and we aren’t really even together.

I live with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. It took 28 years to get an accurate diagnosis and actual help for what has been corrupting my entire life.

I am a recovering heroin and cocaine addict after having been basically straight laced almost my ENTIRE life! I’ve tried damn near every drug in the book, all within a single year of active addiction.

I was sober just shy of 2 years and relapsed one time back in April. Now I’m only 6 months sober. I see now that I was self medicating a mind filled with pain.

I contracted Hepatitis C because I shared needles with my ex while going through active addiction. I then completed 28 weeks of triple therapy (chemo) for the Hepatitis C. Now, one year post treatment, I have achieved and maintained SVR. Basically meaning I’m cured of Hepatitis C.

I lost several people I cared a great deal for throughout the previous year, including a relative who was murdered.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C.S. Lewis

In the past year I have begun to tell my story in many ways:

To educate others about addiction AND Hepatitis C. Everyone is talking about heroin locally, but who’s talking about Hepatitis C? My efforts are focused on trying to be heard (as scary as that is), by local news reporters, non-profits, and rallies. I was given the opportunity to speak at 2 Anti-Heroin Rallies. I was a nervous wreck!  

I was recently interviewed, along with several others, by a news reporter for a local newspaper about heroin addiction and recovery.

 I am in the process of writing testimonials for 2 friends for their websites. I have had an opportunity to share an article about Hepatitis C transmission on this website through Karen who edits and posts the words pouring from my heart.

 I was able to distribute mini posters (thanks to Daryl of hepcawareness.com) about Hepatitis C in a local hospital. My case manager has given me resources and ideas on how to start speaking in schools as well as information on creating my own local support group for Hepatitis C.

“Between the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing.” – Adolph Monod

jen forensics heroin
Keep inspecting your heart Jennifer- the dream of working in forensics can come true.

 I am not sure why I’m reflecting on all of this. It’s nothing new to anyone…but today it feels so new to me. Like I’m waking up for the first time and realizing…this actually happened! The last 3 years have been such a blur; flying by with endless speed. This IS happening. It’s not a dream.

 My future is coming at me. I WILL do something with it. My emotions are literally bouncing all over the place. I can’t grasp just one.

I am saddened that my life has turned out as it has.

I am mad as hell it took 28 years to get the proper diagnosis and help I needed for my mental health.

I am remorseful that I threw away so many great opportunities and hurt so many people.

I am shocked, stunned, and in disbelief that I became an IV drug user and actually contracted Hepatitis C.

I am relieved that going through a form of chemo helped me to be free from Hepatitis C.

I am scared beyond belief that I’m going to fail in my recovery.

I am terrified that I will never know what structure and stability are.

I am hopeful now that I’m getting the professional help I’ve needed and that I’ll learn to get and maintain structure and stability.

I am grateful for the support base and friends I have found throughout my journey.

I am blessed to have been given the opportunity to know God and study His Word.

I am thankful that I am allowed back into my children’s lives.

I am proud of how far I’ve come.

I am amazed by the strength and courage I’ve come to know in myself and in others.

I am motivated to help others suffering at the hands of the same demons that I have endured.

future self Jen
Yes. And Yes. And Yes!

No matter what trials or tribulations are yet to come, I have faith that I will overcome them. No matter how scary or how alone I may feel in doing so. If I can help save just one life…I have fulfilled my purpose.

“If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.” – Marcel Proust

Dreaming of a Future with Heroin Hepatitis C and Hope left me in tears of joy that Jen is finding her way. Do you have a story or poem to share? You might be just the inspiration that someone needs today. xo Karen:)

Do you have an abandoned dream? What can you do today to start making it come true?

pics lorrainenasser.org, google+ Jason Levy

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9 thoughts on “Dreaming of a Future without Heroin, Hepatitis C and with Hope”

  1. So inspiring. This may sound so weird, but here goes. It makes me so sad that this young woman has had to go through so much shi# in her short 28 years but intensely happy that she has, because she can now focus on her real life for the rest of her long life. So much better than living sick and hard with mental and physical illness slowly sipping away your capacities until you’re older. Thank you so much for sharing with others.

    1. Pam –
      You are so right. I’ve watched her change and grow over the last year. When you need help, it is not always easy to self advocate. Jen learned that the hard way and reaches out to others. What a wonderful life she has ahead of her.
      Thank you from Jen and me!
      Karen:)

  2. “only” 6 months? It takes lots of hard work and struggle to get one day sometimes and you HAVE 6 months and that is fantastic! We only live one breath at a time and one day at a time. Breath in, breath out…

    1. Kevin –
      For real. Recovery is a tough process and Jen has learned how valuable each day is. What is amazing to me is to hear her put it into words as she grows and changes.

      I’m laughing now and breathing. It’s a great way to stay settled.

      Thank you,
      xoxo Karen:)

  3. First, I want to thank Karen for this supportive website. Thank you for talking about hep c. I love what I have read so far.

    Jen, thank you for your honesty. I applaud you and just wanted to write in to offer my support and some advice. I say this with love and appreciation for all you have been through. It takes a lot of guts to admit to yourself and to others that you have hurt yourself and others deeply and that you regret your actions. I know how hard it is as I went through something very similar. I did all my really hard living before I had my first child and and did not lose my kids and I can only imagine how hard that is.. But, healing from addiction is hard. It is an on-going, life-long process but you CAN make it…you can become stronger and more loving and compassionate and you can heal. You can be a great teacher to others. My life has not been easy since I was left with hep c and related health problems. It is a constant reminder of life as an addict. I have lived with hep for 40 + years and have been working on my healing for many of those years. I did not respond to chemo, however, I am grateful for everything that has happened because I have come so far, learned so much and feel incredibly blessed. I wanted to help people so much after I started healing and this is very admirable but please remember, MANY PEOPLE WILL NOT UNDERSTAND AND MANY WILL NOT ACCEPT YOU but don’t let that bring you down. Loving and forgiving yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself right now. This can take years but it doesn’t matter because at this point, you need to take as long as you need. Be easy on yourself. When you are stronger, you can work on loving and forgiving others. Take care of you first and when the time is right, you will be able to help others. I say this with respect and gratitude for your wonderful spirit. Thank you for sharing your story.

    1. Thank you Sharon –
      Jen just got a computer today! I know she will love reading your comment and post a response. Your honestly matches Jennifer’s and that is a huge first step in moving on with our lives. I am happy that you have enjoyed the site. I hope that the new meds may provide a cure for you. It is not an easy road and you are amazing to have lived with it so long.
      Thank you so much for your comment. Keep in touch!
      xo Karen:)

  4. With a confusing court system in Los Angeles, John at Bail Bond Authority gave me the information I needed to locate and get my friend out of jail.Morris was awesome at giving me the correct information about my situation. They were rapid, curteous, and went the extra mile to ensure the process went as well as possible for me and my family!!

    1. I’m so happy that you were able to move on with your life! There is always a second chance for everyone and it’s awesome to get the help you need. xo Karen:)

  5. Hey there! This is a really great article. Congratulations for being brave enough to write your story. I know it must be so hard, well I can’t begin to imagine. I liked the story and also the Disney thought. So true. I hope you are doing well, Dee
    Dee Ernst recently posted…Prayers for Karen – UPDATESMy Profile

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