Ten Things I Hate about Hepatitis C

Ten Things I Hate about Hepatitis C

Karen is in a funk. I am madder than an old wet hen. I have started several blogs in just the last week.

Possible titles are:  

How Hepatitis C and Cirrhosis Ruined My Life

Depression and Hepatitis C

 Post Hep C Treatment – I Cannot Blame the Riba Anymore

 I Miss My Big Mac Meal Value Deal

 When You Cannot Quit Crying Post Treatment

 Top Ways to Conduct Life from Your Bed with Hepatitis C and Cirrhosis

Who Else Has Hepatitis C and Does Not Even Know It?

I Am Not Drunk – It is Called Brain Fog

You get my drift? I am mad. Not a shouting at people anger. It is a deep inside brooding feeling. It makes my jaw tight and my stomach hurt. I have many tools that I usually grab to help with negative emotions. They are not working.

For those of you who do not have a lot of liver damage, your struggle during treatment will be So very worth it. It makes me so happy to know that you will not have to suffer long term. Sadly, the Hepatitis C virus created long term damage for many of us. It makes me mad to hear those of you who are hurting from Cirrhosis or Hepatitic Encephalopathy. It wears me out some days too. I do not dwell on it for long. I am going to do some yoga and look for my mental happy place. Right now it is buried.

It is not easy for me to sustain anger for very long. Notice I even wrote the first sentence in 3^rd person. I disassociated with my own anger. It is hard for me to even say, “I’m in a funk.” As a teenager, when my parents told me no – I had to tape a note or write in lipstick on the mirror: Be Mad and Pout. This is the truth. I wake up every day and choose joy. It is an ingrained habit for me.      

I had a lot of struggles as a kid. My dad was an alcoholic. Some of you may have had a parent who battled an addiction, or battled one yourself. It is the reason I chose not to drink. As a child, I made a vow to myself that my life would be a good one. I sat in my Catalpa Tree with books and a journal and wrote out a plan for life. I rode my bike to the Arkansas River most summer days and drew big words in the sand for God to see. Words like Joy, Peace, Kindness, and Love. I made many promises to myself. One of them was that I would never allow negative emotions to rule in my heart and mind.

As a young adult, I found that inviting a good author into my living room (by reading) could give me insight into the most brilliant minds in the world. People who had overcome many more problems than me had written their best ideas down. I was an attentive student. I was a weirdo and an outrageous nerd. But it worked for me.

Many of my author – friends were spiritually based. Growing up in Tulsa, which is the Buckle on the Bible Belt, I had my heroes of faith whose words were memorized and settled deep in my heart. As a teen, I jumped into yoga and transcendental meditation. That did not work too well. My friends who were into those practices thought that my jumping way of approaching life was too energetic for their quiet circles. Yet, many of the practices had an impact on me and I worked them into my belief system.

As a result, I lived my life understanding that I was a spirit, I had a mind, and I lived in a body. I saw them as separate and fed each of them daily.

Spirit – Knowing that spirit food is the most important thing, good faith filled and positive words and images  were the mainstay of my daily diet.

Mind – My mind was sifted and sorted daily. I chose what I read and what media went in. I worked hard to keep the negative thoughts out.

Body – My body was pretty strong. I worked out and fed it well. I like pizza and chocolate. I do not like disciplining myself to exercise. I played with cigarette smoking off and on for years. However, most of my time was spent looking for a healthy balance for my body.

Years of aiming high and working hard paid off for me. I have had a wonderful life. My relationship with my family is strong. My siblings and I support each other. My daughter is a much better person than I am and wiser than me even now. It is what I hoped for and planned for. Then came the diagnosis of Hepatitis C and End Stage Cirrhosis.

A death sentence is harsh. My liver is shot. You know my story from the blogs. Bitterness creeps in. That sets the stage for anger. I know for sure that every seed of bitterness has to be pulled out and destroyed. It can only put down roots and create anger. I refuse to live that way.

I was hoping that by writing this blog, that some great system of thinking would appear and I would feel renewed hope and less anger. Some days, it is just not there. This battle is bigger than me today. I accept that. Maybe that is the key. Acceptance. Once I post this, I will have to accept the fact that it is not all going to be okay anytime soon. I have to work hard every day to feed my spirit, mind, and body. There is no free ride.

I’ve written several “venting” blogs and delete them all. I think Ten Things I Hate about Hepatitis C will post. You won’t be offended. You get it, right? The Ten Things? Sorry, there is more than ten right now. Send me the things you hate the most and I’ll put them all together… xo

I watched the youtube Burger King Bon Qui Qui again today. click hyperlink to watch. She has such an attitude. Today, her sassy mouth reminds me to laugh even when I am mad. She makes anger look cool. Some days I am with the Outa the Hepatitis C Treatment and Cirrhosis hood program. I may cop an tude today. No. I think a nap is more likely. My love to my BFF in the battle against anger, Karen:)

We all have our days and you will find that I always tell the truth. As best friends, we can’t always sugar coat this experience that we are sharing with Hepatitis C and Cirrhosis.

I’m laughing now at how hateful I feel. To find a list of more uplifting blogs click here.     

Or if YOU are having one of those days, read about Emotions and Crying. Some days it just feels good to let it all out!

What do you do when the anger builds up? Really?

pic courtesy of backyardchickens.com and Karen’s bedroom.