Please excuse any typos or upside down pics. 🙂 I’m still working on transplant recovery. I don’t want to appear to make light of a the term “nervous breakdown”. There is not an official diagnosis, but it generally describes an emotional or mental crises after a life changing event.
Post Transplant Nervous Breakdown
You’ve wondered where I’ve been, so here’s the truth. I’m working on a post transplant nervous breakdown. It kind of started a few weeks ago. I was seated at my fave outdoor restaurant (to avoid germs) typing away from my notes. It was a blog titled “I Can Do Anything”. I’ve always said that, and I’ve always tried. Really tried. Hard. Always. Anyway, here I was looking at my own thoughts through a microscope when I realized that I can’t do everything. POW! Sucker punched, right there on the patio.
I flat out quit answering my phone. If the text or call wasn’t from my husband or my daughter, I ignored it. I even shooed away my friend who was coming to clean my floors.
After about 3 weeks of isolation, I let a few people in on my unraveling. I saw my doctor and my transplant surgeon. Then I called a therapist and asked for the next available cancellation. Meanwhile I refilled my ink pen numerous times while also filling up my journal. I joined the YMCA. I quit washing my hair .. it was falling out anyway. I walked, ate watermelon, and cried some more.
I went back to work on that blog, but it morphed into different title: “I Am on Disability but I’m Not Disabled”. (from a rant I had with Linda Lou and Dee) Then it weaved into another title “Gratitude and Joy Combat Stress”. (love my Joe and Julie) My thoughts were all over the place. Still are. Rather than make this about how messed up things got. I decided to write a blog about how right it feels to just acknowledge my feelings.
We think of feelings as another bad word that starts with “F” when they are really just emotions. Feelings are part of the way we connect with ourselves and with others. When we bury them in an attempt to be brave or strong, it can backfire. You can’t just bury one emotion. Do you know what happens when you bury fear or sadness? You bury love and peace at the same time. That’s because emotions come in a big bundle. So I began to feel…. Ahhhh
You know I journal everything. I began to write every feeling that is attached to every thought. The floodgates opened. With it came a sense of relief that I haven’t felt in a long time – and my personal truth.
With an open heart, I admitted what was hardest: I can’t do everything. Duh. So – here’s some advice for those of you who are in need of a nervous breakdown, like me. (I highly recommend it after a life change) It’s fairly harmless and doesn’t last forever.
Buy watermelon or your fave soothing food.
Don’t get dressed. Sweats, yoga pants, your sweetheart’s T, running shorts, pjs or whatever feels cozy. Do shower and change daily.
Be prepared. Have a box of Kleenex and a pillow for punching…. or for hugging and burying your face in. Keep walking shoes nearby. Walk a little. Sit. Walk a little more. Fist pumping seems to help but you may look looney.
Make a connection. Don’t do it alone. You are lovable and need someone to love you through this. Be sure and have a good friend, family member, or therapist handy. I had all 3 and went from one to the next in order to give each of them a breather. You don’t have to tell everyone everything. Break it up.
Example: I texted my daughter one day and told her I was quitting cussing. She texted back that she didn’t know I had started… uh oh. I called Linda. She gets it when my brain can’t grab a word and I just fling obscenities.Haha.
Be careful with music. Some songs will lead you to experience unconditional love. When I listened to certain songs, powerful emotions swept over me, including sadness. Some of them filled me with longing for what might have been if I hadn’t had liver disease. If negative thoughts and feelings swirl in, switch music and thought processes: Don’t look where you don’t want to go. Honestly, you may need to go with ambient or classical and avoid lyrics all together.
Hint: Let the feelings come up. You will feel them right where your heart is. Breath in and feel it. Let it swell up and then remind yourself that it is not a sign of weakness to feel your own emotional pain. Write the emotion down. It takes the power away. It’s just a feeling so it can’t kill you… and besides, it’s yours. Your feelings are important.
Write every day. Just jot down what your last thought was. “I don’t want to get up” was mine one day. Then I wrote, “painful joints, poor me, self pity, mad, helpless, hell no, I’m not crazy, get me out of here” and I got up and went for a walk. Easier said than done, but if you write it… you just might feel it and move ON! Don’t get stuck in a negative emotion.
Look in the mirror. You can make funny faces to set yourself off in fits of laughter… or you can watch yourself cry. That always makes me either cry harder or LOL. See yourself for who you are. NOT who you think someone else’s version of you should be. You are good enough. Just as you are. This is the perfect time to remind yourself.
I’m going to get around to posting those other blogs. I just wanted to let you know about the nervous breakdown thing. I’m good. Happy really. I’m not rushing. It’s very healing to simply relax and feel. I love you all the way…
Xoxo Karen:)
19 thoughts on “Post Transplant Nervous Breakdown”
My beautiful grace warrior TY as always for being real .. No breakdown break through beautiful you …
Debbie,
I sure love you girl. You send me the most beautiful pictures. We are strong, and brave, and our hearts do break with the weight of it all sometimes. My heart is sending you a big hug right now. Shining at you. xox Karen:)
Hey there! I have read that there are side effects after long term cortisone therapy. One of them is depression another is that is affects your vision. It does improve however if I were you I would look it up and also ask your support people, transplant group, etc Many times doctors will tell us there are no side effects.
I know that I was affected after only taking a short pack of Medrol. All cortisone’s are different and will have different side effects after wards. I was told that it could start about 30 days after finishing the short pack. If you don’t mind me asking I could look up what you were on to see if some of your side effects could be related. Just trying to help. I am not a doctor, just a fellow patient and caring friend. Love Dorene
Dee Ernst recently posted…Feelings About Dying with Hepatitis C and Cancer [1 Video]
I have found with Mom’s variety of heart medications and ever-changing dose, plus the diabetes issues, that she will go through emotions and confusions. Then it passes, and we discuss how “weird” that felt for her. I hope you are feeling better each passing day, and am glad that your family is there to help with the feelings you are going through. You are a tough lady, and I appreciate all you do.
It is brilliant that you are able to do that. I call it “the thinker behind the thinker”. To back up from what we are thinking and feeling is a great tool to gain perspective. It is what keeps us sane!
I’m tough, but my heart has always been so tender, hence this blog. I will keep your family tucked in my Best Friends heart and wish you the best every day of your health journey with Mom.
xo Karen:)
Honesty – raw and authentic – is what we all need. I so believe that if we refuse to live out of our false selves, if we are willing to be vulnerable and admit we don’t have it all together (and sometimes, not even some of it!) we can truly experience the peace that comes from believing we are good enough, even on our worst days. And, even if we don’t fully believe it ourselves, we can know for sure, right down to our bones, that God believes we are not just good enough, but we are the apples of his eye!
My doctor says that, because my liver already produced one tumor (since ablated,) it will probably produce more, and the only solution is a transplant. Although I am keeping open hands to what God has for me, I am believing that, with his help, I can stay tumor-free and not need the transplant. We will see! But, either way, your blog is an encouragement, a reminder that, no matter what lies ahead, God has placed other people in the trenches with me.
I hope you see with new clarity that realizing you can’t do it all is huge! It is scary, too, but it also puts you right smack in the place where God can do his best work in and through you. Keep trusting him! He has walked ahead of you in this, he is right beside you each limping step of the way, and he has your back. How awesome to be in the care of a God like that! May you feel his presence in ways so tangible and so deep that you can just lean back into him and truly rest. And may you experience his healing power in your life. Hang in there! The worst is over!
❤️
Thanks sweetheart YOU! I poured this all out today and am exhausted. It was cool to walk about and come back and see your comment. Your encouraging words are soothing for me and I know they will be for other readers as well. It’s a tough road we travel down while playing that waiting game. I am grateful for all that I learned and am continuing to learn.
It sounds weird, but I wish everyone could have a cancerous tumor for 5 minutes. The transformation is remarkable, isn’t it? I had always enjoyed life. I did NOT want a transplant or a year of chemo mess. Right? But the experience just validated all of the thoughts about living in love and faith. The very foundation of my life served me well when I needed it. It is doing so for you also.
Blessings on you day and night,
xoxo Karen:)
Thank you for this post, Karen. I am almost a month post transplant and though I am happy and grateful I am often on an emotional roller coaster, ashamed of my negative feelings. Your story gives me strength.
Thank YOU for affirming me. I so get the gratitude and joy. That doesn’t take away from what we’ve been through. Congrats to you on your transplant. I’m almost 5 months out and physically feeling so strong in many ways. Take your time and eat good protein. You’re going to heal just fine! Be good to yourself. The one thing I DO NOT regret is resting when I needed to. There’s all the time in the world now. xoxo Karen:)
Hi Karen,
I’ve been watching your progress from afar, not feeling I can add anything helpful at this time. I’m so touched by this post, and applaud you for getting down and dirty with the reality of what you are going through. More strength, and vulnerability, to you. As you say, we need to acknowledge both. XXX
Brigitte Staples recently posted…Cauliflower Fried Rice
Brigitte,
Gosh I think of you often also. You’ve been so diligent with maintaining and building such a great site and a body of work with your recipes. Thank you for serving the liver disease community that way. Really, everyone can benefit from eating healthier.
I think it was Scott Peck who said that we’re all broken, but some of us hide it. No hiding here. haha.
Thank you for your always articulate and warm words dear one,
xo Karen
Hi Karen, I’ve been hoping all was well for you and I see that it is. Very wise of you to see that at times it’s best to just feel the feelings. I’ve been through a couple serious changes in life and I can appreciate…..
Know that besides your closest, you have lots of us out here that are with you. You gave me a calm place to share about my treatment and I do thank you and wish for you the best as you go through this and come away smarter, and wiser. Dave
Dave,
It’s So very great to hear from you. I love how you are always there to encourage me, especially during the most raw of moments. Deep sigh. We ARE coming through this much wiser, aren’t we? Thanks sweet friend. xoxo Karen:)
I love you my best friend! I think of you daily. I love your thoughts, you are such a wonderful person! A wonderful writer, your soul speaks to mine. 5th day after back surgery I have made a nest much like yours. All my love forever my forever friend, Dorene/Dee
Karen, This blog couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I am so very grateful that I received this new liver and will forever be grateful to my donor, but I too have been experiencing so much the same type of emotions and upsets that you described – I could have written this. So many see the 1 month post transplant day roll around and don’t understand why I am not jumping,running, gloriously happy ALL of the time…if they only knew. I do my best to stay positive but the constant med changes along with their side effects, the pain that has continued especially as the nerve endings are healing, and the post trauma of the last few months I have to admit have been a challenge. I find myself trying to be a cheer leader for those around me that have also experienced the trauma of all of this, putting a smile on my own face and then it all catches up. I DO hurt, I AM very much still recovering, and my body IS still going thru a lot. I DID go thru a huge traumatic experience and it WILL take some time to work thru it.
Your posts are truly a godsend to me – praying that you are finding your way each day and that you will feel better soon. So very grateful for your friendship…(((Hugs!))) Teresa
Hey there Teresa, so nice to see you here. You are in a very very early days of recoving from your transplant. I am sure you are grateful and happy, it will just take time for you to recover from such a major surgery. I know how hard it was to recover from a hysterectomy or my back surgery. Give yourself time. Allow yourself to rest on days when you are tired. I know that some times there will be good days and they will come closer and closer together, then there might be a down day. Some “friend” might say, well gosh you could do this last week, why can’t you do it now? They can never understand until it has happened to them. I remember after one of my operations I had a good day and talked a mile a minute for an hour, felt so darned good. The next week I could not manage a five minute conversation and the same person said, well we talked an hour last week. They did not understand that recovery has ups and downs, it doesn’t automatically improve up and up, there are some down times too.
I had back surgery 5 days ago, the second day I felt great, the nerve pain was gone. The next day I could barely move. I wish I could think of the word for this. i.e. recovery is not linear or cumulative or something, can some one help me with the word?
ARGH I could write an article on “losing words after anesthesia” haha
Much love to all, Dorene/Dee
Dee, I continue read Karen’s blog from afar. I can relate to the feelings and emotions of the post liver recipients. It will be one month post liver transplant for me on November 24th. Physically I am recovering faster than most, however the emotions are another story. Thank you for your contribution, as well as those who post here. Their stories are so beneficial as is Karen’s journey. My faith is getting me through each day. As are my friends and family. Wanting to thank you. Xoxo Kat
Hey there Kat! It is so nice to hear from you. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. It makes me feel really good to hear from you. How are you feeling? I hope you are comfortable. I know Karen had back pain and the doctor said that was from cutting her stomach muscles so that her back was doing all the work. I can kind of understand about the emotions. While my surgery was nothing compared to yours, I had back surgery the end of August. Once I finished the pain pills I was very emotional. I cried a lot which I am told is normal. Now I am 10 weeks from surgery and feeling much better.
Karen has so many blogs on here there are some even I have not read yet 🙂
WOW you are very early in your recovery. You might want to read her earlier posts from right after her transplant. At first she had a hard time giving herself the time to rest. It was the steroids that made it hard for her. She was on 80 pills a day. I can’t imagine it myself. She found herself getting irritated with her care givers as they wanted her to rest. One was her close friend who had a liver transplant the other was a much loved cousin. She stayed at the friends house for a while. Try to keep in mind that you are in early recovery, try to be kind to yourself. If you can walk a bit, that is nice but only if your doctor encourages it. If you have any trouble finding any information, please let me know and I will take a look and send you the link. Karen is my hero. I love her writing. Especially the one she wrote right before her transplant about being scared. Take care my friend, Dee
hallo karen,
read about your “nervous breakdown” iam sure there are many of us out there who can relate to all of those, roller coaster emotions.
you are a truly inspirational woman, and a global sister to us all.
thankyou for being the beautiful emotional ,shrieking, laughing because silence is lonely. hugs from a global sister robyn
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