Feelings About Dying with Hepatitis C and Cancer [1 Video]
Comfortably Numb Video by Pink Floyd click link to open a new window and listen while you read.
One of my favorite classic rock songs is Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd. There have been areas in my life where I was tempted repeatedly to become numb to what was going on in my life. This is so true since being diagnosed with Hepatitis C, cirrhosis, and cancer. I didn’t know how long I had to live. I didn’t know how to pay for medical treatment. I didn’t know how I would die. I’ve been scared. My fear of death and all of the dreams I had never fulfilled loomed before me. Still do. I have done some of the things on my bucket list. I have made excuses for the reasons that others got put off. times it felt like hell and I didn’t want to feel any more. Now, having lived through the worst that could happen and being post liver transplant, I want to feel life fully, even if it’s painful. I’ve reworked an old post regarding Feelings About Dying with Hepatitis C and Cancer [1 video] Now that the liver cancer is gone, I don’t want to ever face death with regrets.
“When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown. The dream is gone.
I…have become comfortably numb.”
I have always believed that a broken dream just means you get a chance to wake up to something new! That belief has been challenged in recent months.
We have all looked forward to dreams coming true. We’ve all felt the pain when we experienced the results of thwarted efforts. Numbness slowly creeps in on us. We lose our way. Our dreams become stalled. When I found out I had Hepatitis C, it was numbing. This is especially true for those of us who have spent several years feeling progressively worse, not knowing why. Yeah. Sometimes we just want to stop feeling.
We can all identify with going to the dentist. I was there last week with a couple of cavities post transplant. He gave me a shot in the area where the work was going to be done. Then he left me there for a while to get the full effect. Someone came in and poked around to see if I was numb yet. I thought again of the song; Waters and Gilmour are talking about numbness that is mental and emotional. It’s the same effect, except the dentist shot wears off quickly.
Mental numbness can start off slow as well. However, it can gradually leave you unable to get in touch with your feelings. We may even subconsciously feed into to it. Sometimes it is better not to feel, you know? It’s not a bad place to be when life is overwhelming. Sometimes it means staring at a television screen for hours without talking to anyone. It’s one of the reasons I have not watched much tv in my life. It can suck me in.
We may also get involved in addictive behaviors:
Withdrawing from life
Daydreaming
Staring at the television without really watching
Overeating
Obsessing over health
Spending excessive time on the internet
Drinking alcohol
Using recreational drugs
Abusing prescription medications
Worrying
Gambling
Shopping
… anything that helps us not to feel what is happening in our lives right now.
Some of those things are not bad, unless we are using them to escape from living our life to the fullest.
Words inside our head lull us into thinking that there is an “easy out” for pain. The inner voices are cunning. “I hear you’re feeling down. I can ease your pain, get you on your feet again” the song comforts us.
Those words feel like comfort, don’t they? They’re really not. It is a seductive trap. Here is why: After you indulge in addictive behavior, you’re still not satisfied. It is a temporary fix. The reality of our situation does not go away and it takes more and more to drown out the voice next time.
We’ve all been there. M. Scott Peck’s New York Times bestseller The Road Less Traveled starts out stating that “life is hard”. I am an optimist, but that book was on my bedside for a decade. I had to face the fact that all of my dreams were not coming true like I thought they would. It was a painful realization. The vision I had of my relationships, education, career, health, and finances seemed to fall short of my expectations. It seemed like I was always struggling in at least one of these areas. Facing that was not easy. When I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, it was overload. I went numb. “Hello? Is there anybody in there?”
I was there, but many times my head was filled with worry.
No longer numb, but wide awake and ready to live!
For those of us who are fighting for our lives, this is no time for being comfortably numb. We have to wake up and get our heads out of the sand. We have to resist the urge to “Relax. I’ll need some information first. Just the basic facts. Can you show me where it hurts?”
That kind of thinking will lull you into a stupor. You may actually indulge in more addictive behaviors thinking that there is no hope. I went there a few times. It was a dark and ugly place in my mind. I traveled to that place so frequently that I knew the way by heart. Negative thought after negative thought led me straight into being numb. It was a deep groove in my thought processes. I run like hell from those thoughts. I have rewired my brain to the point where I don’t even think that numb place exists any longer.
Instead of being Comfortably Numb, we should try being fully alive and fully human. Yeah, being human means feeling pain. For sure… Being alive means there will be trials and obstacles. It’s a great alternative to being numb, or dead.
I heard a saying when I was a kid that a grave is just a rut with both ends dug out. It caused me to always resist the urge to fall into a rut.
Revive your dreams. Shake the dust off of the might-have-beens. Take a step today to help yourself move away from numbness.
Ask yourself a few questions.
What inspires you?
What do you dream about?
What scares you?
Would you be willing to feel even the sad or negative emotions?
Are you willing to let go of a fear?
I advise you to check out my blogs that talk about my process through my health crisis mess. Am I still scared sometimes? Oh heck yes! I’m still working on it, but mostly …. I’m alive and Feeling Fine.
Xoxo Karen:)
20 thoughts on “Feelings About Dying with Hepatitis C and Cancer [1 Video]”
Karen, you are such an inspiration! My sister has been fighting Hep C for 3 yrs. She’s tried 3 different meds with no success. Now the doctor says there is nothing else to do. When her liver gets bad enough, she will go on transplant list. …1 to 2 yrs. She is so down most of the time. She doesn’t get dressed , just lays around & watches movies. We took her on a sister’s vacation to Smokey Mnts. She said that was first time she felt happy in a long time.
I’ve tried to get her to read your blogs, but she says she doesn’t want to hear other people’s experiences because she will get more depressed.
Any way, I really admire you & hope my sister will eventually read your blog.
I’m really happy that you found the blog. Poor sis. I have 2 sisters and they have taken my illness so hard. They mostly felt helpless in the beginning. My baby sis was the one who kept coming up with low sodium foods for me. She scoured the grocery store. The first Thanksgiving after my diagnosis I didn’t eat much. After that, she always made sure n sat some no sodium stuff aside for me.
You are so sweet to get her out of the house. That’s the deal… we want to run from the situation, but we can’t. We have to face the truth that we are very sick. I get depressed too. She hears you trying to cheer her up. She knows you love her.
I met a man this week who has treated 3 times. He’s on the transplant list too. I know of a few others who are hoping to transplant and then treat. It’s a tough virus.
I’m sending you all my love.. and to your sister too. Even when we can’t control the situation, we can always send love and comfort to each other. xoxo Karen:)
Hi Karen…I have visited your blog from time to time, I am also a recent liver transplant recipient. Aug 5th. It was performed at Northwestern Memorial in Chicago. My eldest son saved his fathers life, donating a portion of his liver to me. The kid stepped up, never wavered..he is my hero. I had/have primary sclerosing cholongitis. Its been interesting reading about your recovery. Much of our lives are the same right now, others not so much. I suppose that’s the way it is, we are all different after all. I too started a blog, but it just wasn’t for me, maybe being a guy I just don’t have those communication skills you possess.
Keep your chin up. Remember..life is beautiful.
Cary
Hey there! Thanks for writing in. If you would like to help others there is a MedHelp site for liver disease and another for cirrhosis. I used to help there a lot before Karen had her tranplant. I will probably go back there at some point. Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate. You are right, we are all different. I did not know I was going into cirrhosis until my platelets crashed. Karen did not know until she almost collapsed and retained fluid all over. The liver can continue to function when 80% of it is shot.
Bless you, Dee
Wow Karen,
First off let me say that I’m so happy to hear that you are cancer free now. I know you’ve been through hell and back and you are the person who can really share their experiences because you didn’t just give up.
I’m sure there were many times when you were about ready and I can’t even imagine everything that you’ve been through but your advice is solid.
We’re so glad you stuck it out, continued helping others and you are in a better place now. I’m sure you still have a long road ahead of you but like I say, “look at you now”!
Thanks for this inspirational post Karen and I wish you the very best.
~Adrienne
Adrienne recently posted…Magical Monday: Storytelling, Comments, Marketing, Relationships, Scholarship
Adrienne,
You’re an awesome friend and helped me so much with my baby blog. Even though I’ve been sick, my readers have been so faithful. I don’t have as much mental capacity or physical energy to do a lot right now. I’m slowly getting stronger! That’s one of the main reasons I surf your blog is to learn about new tricks and tips.
I bopped around on your site yesterday and read about buffer. It’s totally cool and I scheduled my first posts. Gosh it was easy to connect. You are my inspiration with all of your hard work.
xoxo Karen:)
Hi Karen,
You have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself.
I wanted to stop by and leave a couple of links for you. One of them is to the film “The Shift” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It’s playing for free until the 30th.
http://www.drwaynedyer.com/the-shift-movie-watch-now
I also wanted to let you know that his books are available for next to nothing on Nook, Kindle and itunes until then as well.
http://www.hayhouse.com/catalogsearch/advanced/result/?category=8&author=Dr.%20Wayne%20W.%20Dyer&authorid=60
I love his work. His words and messages fill my heart. I just read “I Can See Clearly Now”. It’s a beautiful book. I think it’ll fill you up with Light.
You ARE Light.
Dana recently posted…Some of My Favorite Quotes About Imagination
Dana,
Thank you so much for sending the links. I am a fan of Wayne Dyer. His works have helped me a lot while going through treatment. I’ll have to check out the sale on hay house.
It comforted me to know that he didn’t die of cancer. My husband called and read the article to me right after his death. Maybe it’s because I am totally convinced that every bit of cancer is gone now.
Again, you’re really sweet to send me the links. I can’t wait to watch!
xoxo, Karen:)
Karen,
You are such an inspiration! Your story of faith and courage is helping so many. Please keep writing!!
Love you!
Gina
Oh honey! What a blessing that we met in OKC. I look forward to working more with you on your blog. So happy that your are SVR. Life is beautiful.
xo Karen
I have read, and even commented, on this blog in the past, but now am in a place where I can use some support and encouragement.
I have had Hep C for over 40 years. During most of that time, I lived symtom-free and really thought I would squeak by. Last spring, I went to my doctor regarding the new Hep C miracle drug on the market. Although I was feeling fine, I figured I’d get rid of the virus, once and for all. Well, during testing for insurance purposes, a malignant tumor was dicovered in my liver. There were also early-stage cirrhosis. I had the tumor removed by microwave ablation. A simple procedure multiplied into a difficult recovery for me (my gall bladder was compromised during the procedure.) But, after about six weeks, I was beyond the pain and weak feeling and really felt good again! I figured, if I could just stay tumor-free (and I worked even more diligently on clean living, good diet, supplements, exercise, etc.) I could avoid a transplant.
This past week, that hope was shattered. I spent five days in the hospital with a GI bleed, acute colitis, ascites, and portal hypertension. My liver is, indeed, in trouble. So, although I’ve been on the transplant list for several months now, I know I need to say “yes” if a liver becomes available. It is big, scary, ominous – but I want to live, and I want to be healthy enough to really participate in life. A big part of my story is a big faith. I know that, although this is surprising and shocking to me, it is not to God. I know He has walked ahead of me and He will carry me through. I know He can use this to bring good, to my life and to others watching me.
So, I guess what I am looking for is how to prepare for this well. I still believe that doing what I can do to make my body as strong as possible will serve me well during surgery and recovery. And I guess I am looking for is some personal experiences, too – how did you do recovery well? Any tips?
Thanks for this place to share! ❤️❤️❤️
Oh my dear, your story has me in tears. I understand the fear. I am helping Karen with this blog since she had her liver transplant.
I don’t know if you have read any other articles by Karen but here is one he wrote that might help. She has written many about diet which you can look at in the upper right hand corner where it says Liver Loving Recipes, it is a drop down. She has many articles here that talk about every area of liver transplants. I hope this helps, if you have trouble finding anything, please write back, I will show as many as you would like I am not good at doing this. There is another site where you can get support, it is called MEDHELP – Cirrhosis
https://www.ihelpc.com/i-dont-want-a-liver-transplant/
Thanks for your response. I had read that post a while back, but it was good to read it again. I am sure I will go back through all of the old posts, just looking for those words of encouragement tucked in. We were not created to do this mess called life alone, and I am grateful for people like Karen I can connect with. I will also check out that other site. Thanks for being there! ❤️
AWWWW, you are so sweet to reply. There are so many articles on here that are just fantastic. There is also a site called Medhelp and they help each other. Right now they are going through a transition but there are many sites about any illness you can think of and they are chock full of caring loving supportive people. I got to the HCV Forum or the Social or the Cirrhosis
Good luck!
Hi there, yes that site has a lot of helpful people, it is http://www.medhelp.org then you have to look for your particular illness then you will find lots of caring, loving, supportive people. If you have any problems you write back and I will get the specific address.
Bless you for writing, Dee
Wow. We have so very much in common. As you can see, I’m still getting stronger every day. I walked 3 miles today. That meant and afternoon of rest and taking magnesium just now. You are absolutely going to do great also. The difference is like day and night post transplant. I have a few side effects from meds. I’m not even acknowledging them right now. haha. So much joy to be alive, yes?
I’m holding you in my heart right now. Please stay in touch! xoxo Karen
Thanks for your response. It is encouraging! Is there anything you did pre-surgery to get your body as strong as possible? I am all about good nutrition, so eat well. I am seeing a holistic nutritionist next week to help me coordinate food and supplement choices. Were there any specific supplements you used? Any input would be helpful. I am really happy to hear you are doing well and getting stronger! If you ever feel like filling me in on any med side effects, I am all ears! I like to do what I am to be prepared! That being said, I know that God’s got this! May you feel His presence today.
❤️
That is an excellent idea to get your body as strong as possible. There are some articles here about exercise as well. Walking is good, bouncing on one of those little trampolines is very good, gets your blood going and helps lymph nodes. Make sure you are getting necessary protein. Before a transplant they will ask you to even gain a bit of weight because you will lose weight. Each person has a different path.
I agree, God has got this. Have you read the “I don’t want a transplant!” It is very good.
Hey Karen,
I’m really glad you are recovering so well,
Never picked for a Floyd fan. BY the way thanks for letting a few tears flow. Usually its when i play Shine On You Crazy Diamond.
That was such good advice. I’d love to be numbed . But in the wrong mental state (pretty much always at the moment) Total numbness can be attractive, but suicide is against my law and lore.
I’m still here, still kicking, still wishing I could switch on whatever made you so inspired
I’m relieved, happy and proud of you and really glad you are still around.
Guido xox
It has been a bad month, I still sound happy mostly
Guido,
I love your style. You’ve got my vote on the fact that you are going to still be around too. Gosh, we should meet someday. It really pleases me when you check in. Always. Always. xo Karen:)
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